MortarBlog

We Will Fight Them On The Beaches!

So maybe you've heard about this War On Christmas thing. As for us, we remain neutral, like Switzerland. But there is an up with which we will not put. Brand standards, people. Look, we don't care if you fill Santa with cheap vodka or pit him against Jesus in a no-holds-barred cage match.

Leaving less than 1/4" of clear space around the logo pisses Santa off, boys and girls.

But we do care if you don't maintain the Jolly Fat Man's brand standards. Which is why we're damn glad the fine folks at QuietroomUK have produced The Definitive Brand Guide To *Santa.*

Download it, learn it, live it.

And if you're thinking about deviating from the brand nostalgia, remember, he sees you when you're sleeping.

Back In Black.

So, check out our freshly painted entryway:

Slimming, no?

Yet kind of intimidating. Should we rename ourselves "Mordor?"

Snoop likes it.

On second thought...nah.

One does not simply walk into Mortar, but if you don't mind the World's Slowest Elevator, come up and see us sometime.

 

The one-man show you need to know.

Back in 2009, we knew Reggie Watts was headed for stardom. A year and a half later, dude done blown up. He toured with Conan O’Brien, made a music video in which he manages to rap about gerunds and expletives in the same breath, and now he’s coming to the Independent in San Francisco on August 17. We’re not sure whether to call him a musician, comedian, actor, or circus entertainer. Whatever he is, he’s one of those Things You Must Know About. Just watch.

 

 

Believe it or not, he’s improvising. The man is a truckload of talent wrapped up in a giant teddy bear suit. If you’re local, don’t miss the chance to experience this 10-pound-fro-banging mythical creature in action.

Smart Solutions For A Dumb Grid.

MORTARBLOG: "The U.S. power grid is so dumb..."

YOU: "How dumb is it?"

MORTARBLOG: "It's so dumb it thinks soy milk is Spanish for "I am milk.""

But seriously, folks, the grid is really dumb. You would not believe how much power goes to waste every day, and how much grossness gets spewed into the atmosphere every day to make all that power that's going to waste. Fortunately there's a simple, free way to start doing something about it. Which is where Mortar client Genability comes in. We could explain what they're up to using boring old words, but we'd rather share our new animated short, "Giving People Power Over Their Power." It's narrated by our pal Ed Begley, Jr., and it has mole people and birds that drop money and even a pony!

Please take two minutes and fifty-seven seconds of your day to check it out.

Pretty cool, right? Did you laugh? Did you cry? Did you want to punch the PG&E guy? (Don't.) OK, then tell all your friends about WhatsMyPower.com, and let's all help make the grid a little smarter.

Lord knows this world could use a little less dumbassery.

Food For Thought. Or Vice-Versa.

"You're with the government? Don't worry...they only eat people with brains."

So the CDC just posted a new Preparedness Guide...In Case Of Zombie Apocalypse.

Forgetting for a moment that we totally called this, we find it notable that the post not only didn't get anyone at the CDC in trouble, it was the possibly most popular thing they've ever posted - and a good way to get Americans to think about overall disaster preparedness.

"The blog post went up on Monday. “A typical post gets 1,000 hits,” (CDC spokesman David) Daigle said. “We got 10,000, then 30,000 on Tuesday, and then it crashed the server.” The server then reportedly came back to life and ate the IT guy's brain."

OK, we made part of that up. But it wasn't the "30,000 hits" part. Our point is, See how much traction a little well-placed, unexpected humor can get you? Particularly if you're known for being boring?

Think about it. While you still can.

 

Via The New York Times (And Zombie Flanders.)

 

 

 

 

It's (Still) All About Ideas.

Oh, Superbowl ads. You try so hard. But this year, like just about every other year, you either try to save a bad idea with a huge budget, screw up a good idea with a huge budget, or get us not to notice you have no idea...by hiding behind a huge budget.

 

Volkswagen "Darth Vader"

We feel a disturbance in the Force. Or maybe we ate too much chili yesterday. Yeah, yeah, we know, adorable kid, cool music, blah, blah frickin' blah. But what the hell are we selling here? That the new Passat has remote start? Um, yay? Does it have those newfangled "seat-belts," too?

 

Chrysler "Detroit"

Beautiful work...possibly even an idea about "Chrysler-equals-luxury" hiding in here...but at some point, you have to show the car. And the car is a rolling dungheap of generic blah-ness.

But hey, thanks for spending millions of our tax dollars on it.

 

Bridgestone "Reply All"

Heh. OK. "You Can Drive Fast On Your Bridgestones." We like.

 

Snickers "Whiny"

Aretha Franklin/Liza Minelli was better, but...pretty good. We like the idea: "You're Not You When You're Hungry/Snickers Fills You Up." Solid.

 

BMW "Clean Diesel"

All this spot needed was the wagon chugging up the hill, and the BMW passing it. Done. Instead they spend gazillions on CGI and licensing David Bowie. It went from informing us about something cool to making us want to punch the guy in the Beemer.

We will never understand why BMW sucks so hard at advertising. It's just baffling.

Carmax "Kid In A Candy Store"

Nice. Great casting really helps, since the idea needs about two seconds to explain.

 

Chevy, you did ok, but that tagline is just a sea anchor. We advise you jettison it immediately.

Audi, tons of style trying to obscure the fact that you're counterpunching against Mercedes, but...fun.

The rest of you go hit yourself in the nuts with a pug/can of Pepsi/snack food or whatever.

And congratulations to the Green Bay Packers.

 

The Biscuit-In-The-Basket Conspiracy

First, a post aboot Canada. Now a post aboot hockey? Is this some sort of polite, well-mannered Canadian coup of the Mortarblog? (Hey, as long as we get free healthcare and one of those burgers, we will happily welcome our new insect moose overlords.)

No. It is not a Canadian takeover. It is a post about "Conversation Marketing." (Yeah, yeah - we hate that name too, but until we think of a better one, we're stuck with it. Moving on...)

First, a little background: We are not particularly Boston Bruins fans, but man do we love their TV campaign. Excuse the pun, but...check it:

 

Holy-moly, that's good. And we love this one, too:

 

But then, this happened:

Don't worry, she got back up. She's a hockey fan.

 

SIDE NOTE: As an observant Deadspin commenter
points out...does that hole look exactly like Jay Leno?
Could NBC be behind it? Or could it be Coco?
Is that Terry O'Reilly on the grassy knoll?
We’re behind the looking glass, people.

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, Here's the truly double-awesome part. Watch the Bruins’ marketing department get out in front of the ladykicking story with this:

 

Score! That is sweeter than a Don Cherry suit. On-brand and on-time, people. Bears may be godless killing machines, and the Bruins may be mortal enemies of certain hockey fans around the Mortar, but dammit...respect-where-respect is due. If marketing is a conversation, these guys are the type of people we'd want to be stuck next to at the bar. Extremely well-played, Bruins.

(We're still keeping a close eye on those Canadians, though.)

Via Deadspin.

2010 Mortarblog Halloween Spooktacular

AWOOOOOOOO! Happy Halloween! Normally, we’d be in full Elitist Coastal Snob Mode this time of year, as we generally consider Halloween  - along with its yokel buddies New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s Day - to be a charter member of the Unholy Trinity of Amateur-Hour Holidays. But you know what? The Giants have us in an incredibly good mood right now and not just because the wind’s blowing this way from McCovey Cove. So allow us to amaze you as we turn a random, hastily-penned scribble wide-ranging and articulate knowledge download into a focused, must-read marketing missive. You won't believe your eyes.

Remember this?

Yikes. Here’s hoping Mr. Bateman doesn’t get too upset when he sees the new logo and business cards we just released for online ad exchange AdBrite.

 

“Look at that subtle off-white coloring. The tasteful thickness of it...”

See how we did that? One minute, Halloween. The next minute, Random Movie Reference. Then...BAM! Work Stuff.  Office magic, people. Annnnd scene.

Ok, now on to the Actual Scary Things:

WARNING: Watching This Video In Its Entirety May Cause Violent Diarrhea And/Or The Condition Known As "Death By Embarassment."

We're not kidding. We only made it through the first 0:48. Really. Seriously.
We are so not kidding.

Oops. They pulled it. To be fair, it was supposed to be for an internal talent show. (They have that kind of budget for internal talent shows? That kind of profligacy is...scary! Awooooooo!)

 

 Quick, Scoob! L-l-let’s get out of here!

Ahhhh. That’s better. You can always depend on the classics.
Speaking of which, it's time for...Mortar Halloween Jukebox - iMeem Went Out Of Business Because The Economy Is So Scary-Edition!

No audio jukebox this year. And not as many songs. But you do get video, so there's that.

 

DAVID/MARK/TODD: "Bela Lugosi's Dead" -  Bauhaus.

Remember this from The Hunger? We’re not sure which is scarier - the atmosphere of vampiric menace, or the 80’s hair. Either way....awesomely scary.

SOPHIE: "Two of Hearts" - Stacy Q

We know. We know. But stay with us. This hilarious-yet-creepy scene is from Party Monster, an underrated yet highly scary flick. We’ve got chills just thinking about it.

SERENE: “Ghostbusters” - Ray Parker, Jr.

Wait a minute. Something’s wrong. This is a song from the 80’s. And everyone knows Serene’s musical tastes are permanently stuck in the 90’s. Which means...that’s not the real Serene! And she’s calling from inside the house!

 

HUGH - is about to rip the rubber mask off of what is obviously Pirate-Ghost Serene. Will need to gather strength first. Fortunately, there is “The Crusher” - The Novas.

And finally, a little Halloween treat from our favorite non-sparkle-vampire, Count Floyd.

 

Owooooo! Have fun out there. And GO GIANTS!!!

 

 

You Either Get It Or You Don't.

As much as agencies like ours love to talk about planning and research and Important-Sounding Scientifical-Type Stuff, at the end of the day, what we do is not Scientifical-Type Stuff, but art.

You either like it, or you don't. You either respond to it, or you don't.

And for as long as this game has been around, people have been trying to put it on an assembly line and bottle it. Which usually adds up to one person having an original thought, and about 10,000 other people grabbing that person's coattails and hanging on like grim death.

But here's a trick that works more often than not. Be authentic. Not what you think "Minivan Moms" "Early Adopters" or "Gen Y 2.0" will think is "authentic." What you know is authentic. Even if it's a little scary, or seems "too smart."  Because the second you get too concerned with doing what's easily bottled and replicated, you find yourself safely ensconced inside your undisclosed location corporate boardroom, and out of touch. Without the ability to be authentic.

And something like this happens.

Helvetica! And a blue square! Brilliant!

Honestly, we're not that shocked by this thing. Why? Because our expectations for a corporate behemoth like Gap are pretty low. We've designed a logo or two before. And the process of dragging the poor things through a conference room is closely akin to having weasels rip your flesh.

"OK! We'll use Helvetica! OK!"

But corporate behemothness is no excuse for pissing on our leg and telling us it's raining. Being big isn't in-and-of-itself the worst thing in the world. If anyone should be allowed to slap some Helvetica and a blue box together and call it a logo, it's Gap. After all, if they had done something groundbreaking, would any of us have suddenly mistaken them for scrappy indie upstarts? No. We're not saying they couldn't have done better. Of course they could have. But, we understand the "meh." We can accept the "meh."

Unfortunately, Gap didn't stop at "meh."

Crowdsourcing a new logo on Facebook?! Arrrrrrgh.

At best, we're looking at a weak-ass attempt to appear to be "listening."

At worst, we're looking at a global behemoth trying to get a new logo for free.

And we're definitely looking at the worst kind of cowardly treatment of their design team.

Let's see how these "passionate debates" are "unfolding."

"Dear Gap:
I'm doing this little project where I'm trying to rethink my clothing style. so here's what I want you to do:
-please design me a custom outfit. jeans, shirts, perhaps a coat and hat since it will be getting cool soon..."

Heh. Nice.

"You need a new name as well. How about "Chasm" or "Abyss." My work is done."

"Abyss." That's funny. But the one that sums it up best?

"First you guys f*ck up. Then you want someone to fix it for free?"

Ouch.
Now, in the past we've talked about relinquishing control of your brand, and how that can be a good thing. This ain't how. Because - whatever you think of the logo - the transparent pandering of the "crowdsourcing" stunt isn't authentic. Well, authentically lame, maybe.

Now for something completely different:

 

Awesome. Taking on NIKE? Recruit God. (And Doctor J.) Unreal.

Now, let's compare the conversation that went on in Gap's boardroom to the conversation that happened in Converse's:

GAP: "Let's get consensus. And consensus about the consensus. Look at some Powerpoint slides that prove whatever it is we already decided we want. And for god's sake don't do anything controversial. I'm thinking Helvetica. Is it time for lunch yet?"

CONVERSE: "Hey, you know what would be cool?"

Both of these efforts required a roll of the dice. Only one brand stepped to the table with the confidence that comes from an authentic effort.

You either get it, or you don't.

 UPDATE: Gap Caves In, Goes Back To Old Logo.

From their Facebook page:

"Ok. We've heard loud and clear that you don't like the new logo. We've learned a lot from the feedback. We only want what's best for the brand and our customers. So instead of crowdsourcing, we're bringing back the Blue Box tonight."

Gah. Listen up, Gap, because you obviously need the help: You chose the logo. You (probably) spent a lot of time making your decision. Second-guessing yourselves based on a bunch of pointy-headed bloggers complaints? You've made a huge mistake.  Again.

D'oh, Canada.

Dear Frank Howard Allen. Remember when we told you "No one cares about seeing Realtors' faces in ads, they just want to buy homes?" 

 We may have been wrong. So, when can we line you up for a photoshoot?

 

Baaaaaaaaad ad via Comedy Central.