MortarBlog

We Will Fight Them On The Beaches!

So maybe you've heard about this War On Christmas thing. As for us, we remain neutral, like Switzerland. But there is an up with which we will not put. Brand standards, people. Look, we don't care if you fill Santa with cheap vodka or pit him against Jesus in a no-holds-barred cage match.

Leaving less than 1/4" of clear space around the logo pisses Santa off, boys and girls.

But we do care if you don't maintain the Jolly Fat Man's brand standards. Which is why we're damn glad the fine folks at QuietroomUK have produced The Definitive Brand Guide To *Santa.*

Download it, learn it, live it.

And if you're thinking about deviating from the brand nostalgia, remember, he sees you when you're sleeping.

Food For Thought. Or Vice-Versa.

"You're with the government? Don't worry...they only eat people with brains."

So the CDC just posted a new Preparedness Guide...In Case Of Zombie Apocalypse.

Forgetting for a moment that we totally called this, we find it notable that the post not only didn't get anyone at the CDC in trouble, it was the possibly most popular thing they've ever posted - and a good way to get Americans to think about overall disaster preparedness.

"The blog post went up on Monday. “A typical post gets 1,000 hits,” (CDC spokesman David) Daigle said. “We got 10,000, then 30,000 on Tuesday, and then it crashed the server.” The server then reportedly came back to life and ate the IT guy's brain."

OK, we made part of that up. But it wasn't the "30,000 hits" part. Our point is, See how much traction a little well-placed, unexpected humor can get you? Particularly if you're known for being boring?

Think about it. While you still can.

 

Via The New York Times (And Zombie Flanders.)

 

 

 

 

It's (Still) All About Ideas.

Oh, Superbowl ads. You try so hard. But this year, like just about every other year, you either try to save a bad idea with a huge budget, screw up a good idea with a huge budget, or get us not to notice you have no idea...by hiding behind a huge budget.

 

Volkswagen "Darth Vader"

We feel a disturbance in the Force. Or maybe we ate too much chili yesterday. Yeah, yeah, we know, adorable kid, cool music, blah, blah frickin' blah. But what the hell are we selling here? That the new Passat has remote start? Um, yay? Does it have those newfangled "seat-belts," too?

 

Chrysler "Detroit"

Beautiful work...possibly even an idea about "Chrysler-equals-luxury" hiding in here...but at some point, you have to show the car. And the car is a rolling dungheap of generic blah-ness.

But hey, thanks for spending millions of our tax dollars on it.

 

Bridgestone "Reply All"

Heh. OK. "You Can Drive Fast On Your Bridgestones." We like.

 

Snickers "Whiny"

Aretha Franklin/Liza Minelli was better, but...pretty good. We like the idea: "You're Not You When You're Hungry/Snickers Fills You Up." Solid.

 

BMW "Clean Diesel"

All this spot needed was the wagon chugging up the hill, and the BMW passing it. Done. Instead they spend gazillions on CGI and licensing David Bowie. It went from informing us about something cool to making us want to punch the guy in the Beemer.

We will never understand why BMW sucks so hard at advertising. It's just baffling.

Carmax "Kid In A Candy Store"

Nice. Great casting really helps, since the idea needs about two seconds to explain.

 

Chevy, you did ok, but that tagline is just a sea anchor. We advise you jettison it immediately.

Audi, tons of style trying to obscure the fact that you're counterpunching against Mercedes, but...fun.

The rest of you go hit yourself in the nuts with a pug/can of Pepsi/snack food or whatever.

And congratulations to the Green Bay Packers.

 

Things We Are Thankful For.

Well, for one thing, we're glad we're not flying this year.
We don't want our junk touched until at least the third date.

Apparently, this is not a new sentiment, seeing as this New Yorker cartoon is from 1938. See the rest here.

 

If we were flying, we'd be thankful for Hipmunk, a great little travel site that rates flights not only by price and schedule, but also factors in "agony."  This is the kind of simple, funny, and wonderfully helpful goodness that brings your brand love beyond reason. Well done.

 

Speaking of goodness, we are always thankful for vodka, particularly when it comes with luxury, status...and a Viking.

 

Speaking of vodka, (Yes, again. Shut up.) our pals at Otis get a nice mention in this writeup of Stuff To Do In San Francisco While Everyone Is Out Of Town from The Bold Italic. Of course, if you're ever looking for Unexpected Awesome Things to Do in San Francisco, get in touch with our girls at CarriedAway. We are thankful for friends like them - and you - most of all.

Which is why we're giving you your Thanksgiving present early. Enjoy.

 

Be happy, be safe, keep the crumbs out of your non-ironic moustache...and have a very happy Thanksgiving.

The Biscuit-In-The-Basket Conspiracy

First, a post aboot Canada. Now a post aboot hockey? Is this some sort of polite, well-mannered Canadian coup of the Mortarblog? (Hey, as long as we get free healthcare and one of those burgers, we will happily welcome our new insect moose overlords.)

No. It is not a Canadian takeover. It is a post about "Conversation Marketing." (Yeah, yeah - we hate that name too, but until we think of a better one, we're stuck with it. Moving on...)

First, a little background: We are not particularly Boston Bruins fans, but man do we love their TV campaign. Excuse the pun, but...check it:

 

Holy-moly, that's good. And we love this one, too:

 

But then, this happened:

Don't worry, she got back up. She's a hockey fan.

 

SIDE NOTE: As an observant Deadspin commenter
points out...does that hole look exactly like Jay Leno?
Could NBC be behind it? Or could it be Coco?
Is that Terry O'Reilly on the grassy knoll?
We’re behind the looking glass, people.

Ahem. Sorry. Anyway, Here's the truly double-awesome part. Watch the Bruins’ marketing department get out in front of the ladykicking story with this:

 

Score! That is sweeter than a Don Cherry suit. On-brand and on-time, people. Bears may be godless killing machines, and the Bruins may be mortal enemies of certain hockey fans around the Mortar, but dammit...respect-where-respect is due. If marketing is a conversation, these guys are the type of people we'd want to be stuck next to at the bar. Extremely well-played, Bruins.

(We're still keeping a close eye on those Canadians, though.)

Via Deadspin.

You Either Get It Or You Don't.

As much as agencies like ours love to talk about planning and research and Important-Sounding Scientifical-Type Stuff, at the end of the day, what we do is not Scientifical-Type Stuff, but art.

You either like it, or you don't. You either respond to it, or you don't.

And for as long as this game has been around, people have been trying to put it on an assembly line and bottle it. Which usually adds up to one person having an original thought, and about 10,000 other people grabbing that person's coattails and hanging on like grim death.

But here's a trick that works more often than not. Be authentic. Not what you think "Minivan Moms" "Early Adopters" or "Gen Y 2.0" will think is "authentic." What you know is authentic. Even if it's a little scary, or seems "too smart."  Because the second you get too concerned with doing what's easily bottled and replicated, you find yourself safely ensconced inside your undisclosed location corporate boardroom, and out of touch. Without the ability to be authentic.

And something like this happens.

Helvetica! And a blue square! Brilliant!

Honestly, we're not that shocked by this thing. Why? Because our expectations for a corporate behemoth like Gap are pretty low. We've designed a logo or two before. And the process of dragging the poor things through a conference room is closely akin to having weasels rip your flesh.

"OK! We'll use Helvetica! OK!"

But corporate behemothness is no excuse for pissing on our leg and telling us it's raining. Being big isn't in-and-of-itself the worst thing in the world. If anyone should be allowed to slap some Helvetica and a blue box together and call it a logo, it's Gap. After all, if they had done something groundbreaking, would any of us have suddenly mistaken them for scrappy indie upstarts? No. We're not saying they couldn't have done better. Of course they could have. But, we understand the "meh." We can accept the "meh."

Unfortunately, Gap didn't stop at "meh."

Crowdsourcing a new logo on Facebook?! Arrrrrrgh.

At best, we're looking at a weak-ass attempt to appear to be "listening."

At worst, we're looking at a global behemoth trying to get a new logo for free.

And we're definitely looking at the worst kind of cowardly treatment of their design team.

Let's see how these "passionate debates" are "unfolding."

"Dear Gap:
I'm doing this little project where I'm trying to rethink my clothing style. so here's what I want you to do:
-please design me a custom outfit. jeans, shirts, perhaps a coat and hat since it will be getting cool soon..."

Heh. Nice.

"You need a new name as well. How about "Chasm" or "Abyss." My work is done."

"Abyss." That's funny. But the one that sums it up best?

"First you guys f*ck up. Then you want someone to fix it for free?"

Ouch.
Now, in the past we've talked about relinquishing control of your brand, and how that can be a good thing. This ain't how. Because - whatever you think of the logo - the transparent pandering of the "crowdsourcing" stunt isn't authentic. Well, authentically lame, maybe.

Now for something completely different:

 

Awesome. Taking on NIKE? Recruit God. (And Doctor J.) Unreal.

Now, let's compare the conversation that went on in Gap's boardroom to the conversation that happened in Converse's:

GAP: "Let's get consensus. And consensus about the consensus. Look at some Powerpoint slides that prove whatever it is we already decided we want. And for god's sake don't do anything controversial. I'm thinking Helvetica. Is it time for lunch yet?"

CONVERSE: "Hey, you know what would be cool?"

Both of these efforts required a roll of the dice. Only one brand stepped to the table with the confidence that comes from an authentic effort.

You either get it, or you don't.

 UPDATE: Gap Caves In, Goes Back To Old Logo.

From their Facebook page:

"Ok. We've heard loud and clear that you don't like the new logo. We've learned a lot from the feedback. We only want what's best for the brand and our customers. So instead of crowdsourcing, we're bringing back the Blue Box tonight."

Gah. Listen up, Gap, because you obviously need the help: You chose the logo. You (probably) spent a lot of time making your decision. Second-guessing yourselves based on a bunch of pointy-headed bloggers complaints? You've made a huge mistake.  Again.

It's Friday. It's Lunchtime.

Hmm...lunchtime...What do we want?

Hey - we're into social media - maybe we should consult our peers!

 

Thanks, peers! This is even better than those Canadian Stoner Bears!

(You too, Consumerist.)

Have a bawlin' Friday, yo!

I Want My Comic Sans, Comic Sans, Comic Sans...

So, you guys probably heard a little bit about the whole LeBron James kerfuffle? What with the crazy hour-long tv special and the angry letter from jilted management? Basically, it was a lesson in How Not To Market Yourself. It was so bad, ESPN even spoofed themselves. Check it:

But here's where it gets interesting - check out Chili's "angry" response...in Comic Sans!

Being able to laugh at oneself is one of the best things a brand can do. It oozes confidence. Also, it's funny. Plus, there's that one Chili's in the terminal at O'Hare? Never poisoned us once. Well done. 

It's Friday. Do Lighten Up, Old Bean.

This is the official logo of the 2012 Summer Olympics.

To say it's "caused a bit of a stir" is a bit like saying "The Titanic had a few bugs to work out."

But did those Londoners back down? Never, never, never! They doubled down. Not with delicious chicken sandwiches, but with this:

Presenting "Wenlock" and "Mandeville," the official mascots of the 2012 London Summer Olympic Games. 

"Yes-yes y'all!"

No, we're not kidding. They even did a video!

But you know who is kidding? The kids. As in, "The Kids, They Will Mess With Your Brand."

Let's see what you scamps have gotten up to with your PhotoShop.

Expected. (But still funny.)

"Not in our house, Chalmers!"

"Say "What the #*#$&* are those things supposed to be?" again, mother#*$er.
Say it again. I dare you!"

 

"Sweep the leg-like protrusion, Johnny!"

We're through the looking glass, people.

 

KANG: "Fooling these Earth voters is easier than expected."
KODOS: "Yes. All they want to hear are bland pleasantries embellished by an occasional saxophone solo or infant kiss."

This explains so much. Enjoy the rest of your Friday - and please continue twirling, twirling, twirling to freedom.

There's more (NSFW but hilarious) fun over at Deadspin.

"Slay All Suckas Who Perpetrate, You Will."

"Size matters not...Oh, shoe size you meant. 12EE I am. Yeah, that's right." 

We're kinda diggin' the new Adidas X Star Wars Collection. Even better is the Facebook app they put out where you can use the Death Star to zap your friends' houses. Something-something Dark Siiiiiiiiiiide.

Almost forgot: that Mos Eisley really is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Our kind of NSFW town!